Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
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When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
pizza
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
My birthstone is a marshmallow
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.