Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
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Are you a cat person or a person person?
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
*bites zombie*
I only say stupid things when I talk.
the clam before the storm
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Running your mouth is not cardio.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall