Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
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sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
See..?
.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?