Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
You Might Also Like
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”