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They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.