if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
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met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
He died doing what he loved: being alive
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
this has to be peak English
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.