Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
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Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”