7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
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earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down