“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
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me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!