I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
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Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
🤣😈🤣
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.