“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
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Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat