I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
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My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.