depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
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My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.