No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
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“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Bloody internet 😳
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978