When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
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If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
can I use a minion as a tampon
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
work smarter, not harder
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]