Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
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Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I feel seen
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
*updates tinder bio*
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.