[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
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[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Good morning
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*