to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
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Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
prepare for carbonated trouble
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster