she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
You Might Also Like
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.