“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
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Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother