Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
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When does CPR become necrophilia?
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.