him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
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We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call