GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
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They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
A drum solo but on your face.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard