Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
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When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me