The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
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My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
just left a huge legacy in there
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct