[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
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Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Lucky old June.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”