Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
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When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”