Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
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Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*