Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
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If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.