My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
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You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
shut up and take my money
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Bond. Trauma bond.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter