[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
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Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
mom gave me mine for free
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Goat cheese is for herders.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”