In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
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What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
wow he looks just like him
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.