her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
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[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I’m too immature for adultery.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
it must be school picture day
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Just a reminder, folks:
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.