I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
You Might Also Like
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
So true for me
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants