Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
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Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…