What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
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[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
is this how new cars are made??
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
blocked.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.