Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
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[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera