My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
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Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!