Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
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[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.