When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
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“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
getting corrected
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.