Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
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cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO