Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
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When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.