I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
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[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes