Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
You Might Also Like
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
tinder is all about the long game
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
3% human
97% stress
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife: