when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
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there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
What about a To-Don’t List?
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.