“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
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The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime