I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
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Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
A choir of Spring onions
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Please let me in.. 😂
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