IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
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My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
we’re dead?
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.