I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
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I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Education is vital
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.