Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
You Might Also Like
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Brilliant!
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
The internet is full of many things
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down